I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize