Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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