I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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