Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
