I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Randomize
