There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My sheets look like a crime scene.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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