I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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