girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
