walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
