let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
