u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
