it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize