So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
