im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
