Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
