I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
