Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
My breasts were aching with rage.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
