My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
