how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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