I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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