Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
These tits shall not be calmed
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
