he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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