if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
