Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
