you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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