i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
