from now on my penis is your penis
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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