What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
