You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
