I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
