the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
