I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
