If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
