The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize