I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
