non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
