Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
