She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Randomize