She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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