Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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