So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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