I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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