I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
We were destined to go to rehab together
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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