I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
How external is "for external use only"?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
