I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
