Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
