saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
