I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
