the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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