Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
