Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
