It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
