Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
