the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
