i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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