i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
