if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
