put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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