4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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