Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
