mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
