um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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