If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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