I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
