Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
The feeling are messing with the penis
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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